Observations on my Process

Several things have happened to me over the last two days that relate to the process I am reporting here:

Going to my seminary classes is typically a very positive expereince for me.  Which is of course the reason that I keep coming.  That is certainly still true this time, overall the expansion and awareness and . . . joy of these times is certainly present this time as well.

Yet more has happened this time . . . while I think I have handled it all well, at the same time there is a part of me that is concerned and watchful about some of the things I have experienced over the last two days.

The first item was before I had announced the goals represented here to my class; I found myself in a lot of doubt.  For whatever reason, for the first time in many weeks I started “feeling fat”.  What was my current weight?  Had I gone up?  What do I look like?  Will people notice?  Do I care if other people can see what I know and feel is going on with me?  Here I was about to announce to a large group of people an important goal that I was working on and suddenly found myself  in serious doubt.  Far beyond what I have  been experiencing recently.

Why?

I’m not really sure.  I noted it and noted my tendency to shutdown starting to come forward.  However, I decided to share anyway . . . or perhaps it is even  better to say to share because of that.  The shift to shutdown was so pronounced, it just seemed like the loyal forces of the opposition coming forward.

I still cannot tell you what that was really about . . . I just know that once I shared it lifted.  Sharing always has been a hard part of this process for me.  The good news, at least this time, I did share.

The second thing that happened was that a person that I know and care about . . . it really became clear in something she said that . . .  gee . . . what did happen there?  I was going to say she “shot” negativity at me.  However, that really isn’t true.  She shot negativity at herself.  I guess the fairest thing to say is that she shot herself.  The words were “For the Highest Good” and who can complain about that?  God’s will be done . . . Amen!  Yet there was really an edge that came out that with those words.  In a sense it was me that she was shooting at, but the reality was that she shot herself and all I got was the “splash energy” of that wound.  Good bless her.

The incident did send me into retrospection of myself though . . . I am a great one for doubting what I am doing.  In this case though, it stood firm inside of myself once I looked at it.  What that person could not see or know is the 9 years of work that it took me to get to this place.  They couldn’t see the prayers and the exercise, the  constant watching and working toward a goal.  In fact, I didn’t even know that the goal was the goal I am working on now (230).  Heck, even my “perfect wieght” (whatever that is) really isn’t even the goal, that  is just part of the side effects of working my process and becoming clear as I word towards a much bigger goal of Spiritual Harmony within myself and my own life.

Anyway . . . I’m rambling and frankly don’t have a clue how to express what happened to me inside.  All I can say is that this challenge was in an area and done in a way that could typically “throw me off” and send me into serious self doubt . . . but I weathered it in a fairly positive way.

The third and final item for this entry will be equally obscure.  Being in the middle of this process for change has given me an interesting perspective on the DSS homework.  What a BEAUTIFUL presentation of how to attain a goal they have presented.  I certainly didn’t get it when I started the class all those years ago . . . but now . . . being in the process and see how beautifully and clearly they have stated what is needed to change your life.  I certainly didn’t see it so clearly when it was first presented to me . . . but now being in the middle of it . . . JR/Liz/Pauli have just nailed it in such a clear and wonderful way . . . parts of the homework I have read just speak so clearly to what I am doing . . . congratulations to me for getting it and congratulations to MSIA for stating it so clearly.

So much to say . . . I’ve only skimmed the surface . . .  and not stated it very well at all I’m afraid.  However, it is late and I need to go to bed . . . another day.

Blessings to all.

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